Blog Archives

Super Happy Super Demo Beta Test Begin Now!

You heard that right, it’s begin now.

Cleve gave me version 1.33 or something or rather last night. Tooltips are functional and the game is running smoother than I’ve ever seen it before. Only consistent visual glitches we haven’t fixed yet are “milk shadows” and the weird clipping issue seen when turning next to a wall.

The nigh of the end being nigh is nigh!

I’ll be trying (really hard, I promise) to put up some gameplay soon. I’m a novice when it comes to recording, but Dad says he has a free copy of Camtasia he can give me.

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The Obsessive Wunderkind

I’ve recently been reading a biography of Wernher von Braun.

Wernher von Braun was a severely autistic German boy, who suffered from extreme mental retardation.

From an early age, he was very fascinated by the fields of existence beyond Earth’s atmosphere, particularly the planetary body known as “Luna”.

When his mother asked him want he wanted to do when he grew up, he said:

“I want to turn the wheel of progress.”, a strange answer from such a young boy.

Wernher went to a boarding school. Wernher was excellent in all subjects except for mathematics, which he was below average at.

Wernher, inspired by the literary works of Hermann Oberth, realized that it was his dream in life to touch the stars. It quickly became an all-consuming obsession.

Wernher realized that to reach the stars, he would have to be very good at mathematics.

He studied the science until he was the greatest student in school at mathematics. Occasionally, he would even fill in as a substitute math teacher. Sometimes, he would demonstrate to the class how the teacher had made an error.

Wernher blasted his way through the education system and soon after became an engineer.

Wernher started to experiment with rocketry as both a hobby and a career. How else would men touch the stars?

He is pictured here, playing with his toy rocket. He clearly has some kind of mental disability.

Wernher began to gain the attention of the German government, which had gained a National Socialist stance.

Wernher and his rocket buddies were building rockets in a place called Peenemunde.

The Germans got in a big war with everybody. Some moustache-faced bastard had started to cause a ruckus. Wernher didn’t care, he just wanted to build rockets.

The moustache-faced bastard used Wernher’s rockets to blow up English chavs. No loss there.

Then the Americans invaded Germany, and they said to Wernher: “We want you to build rockets for us now.”

And Wernher said:

“Okey-dokey”.

He is pictured here, playing with another toy rocket. Note that the rocket’s allegiance has changed.

Wernher and his family re-located to America. Wernher married his attractive first-cousin, Maria.

Now Wernher was building missiles for the yanks. He ended up in a race with the Russians to be the first to space.

Wernher was beaten to space by the Russians. They had launched a satellite into orbit named after the potato.

Wernher was heart-broken. But he didn’t give up!

The race had begun: to be the first to Luna!

Around this time, Wernher was becoming an American celebrity and hero. He wrote articles for magazines, received interviews and even did a show for Disney, all on the topic of space and space-flight.

He was quite popular on all communication forums.

In 1955, Wernher started to make assurances. He assured the American people that he would have his Rocket to the Moon out by 1962.

People began to get really excited. If the rocket came out like Wernher had said, it would be the greatest thing ever.

Then, when it didn’t come out in 1962, Wernher demonstrated to everyone that the rocket was clearly coming out in 1963.

When questioned why the rocket wasn’t out by 1963, Wernher explained that “the bugs” were holding it back from release. “It just needs a bit more polish”, he said. “We need to beta test the rocket more”.

In 1969, Wernher’s Rocket that would take man to the Moon, was finally finished.

AND IT DESTROYED COMMUNISM.

Hrm… what a great life story.

I mean, it’s like, even though the rocket was way overdue… it like, actually changed the course of human history.

Hrm…

 

OH MY GOD!

THE RESEMBLANCE IS UNCANNY!

GRIMOIRE! IT’Z COMING!

 

YOU WILL BELIEVE A GOLDEN BABY CAN FLY!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

P.S. On a totally unrelated note, when you look up “Cleve Blakemore” on Bing images, it comes up with “Fecal Fat” as a related topic.

Pledger Program Imminent

Don’t worry guys. I sat down with the Cleve the other day. I asked him if he could get started on the pledger response program.

Now three weeks later, the program is surely near completion.

Here’s a mock-up of the pledger letter we intend to send out:

 

 

 

 

Greetings, Loyal Pledger to the Grimoire Crowd-Funding Campaign.

This is Cooper Blakemore, Son of Cleve the Neanderthal.

Based on the amount of money you have pledged, you are entitled to your very own piece of content in Grimoire. This may be an item, an NPC, or a Tomb Plaque.

You will describe the content in detail, and we will adapt it as best we can to become an entity in the game. Understand, that the more simplistic and reasonable your content request is, the more likely it will be processed into the game in the exact form you specified. If the piece of content is simply undoable, unrealistic or would take far too long to implement, we will request a second time for your custom content idea. If you continue to jerk us around after that, we may refuse your item entirely.

An example of a good piece of content is:

“I want a powerful sword with a chance to jellify enemies. I expect this to be accomplished by the sword having a spell like “Touch of Death”, and the in-game text saying “X was Jellified!” as opposed to “X was Insta-killed!” The sword should have a kind of bizarre, alien like appearance to it. It should be found in a really strange place, possibly some kind of inter-dimensional type zone.”

That is a more than doable request. Here’s an example of a bad request:

“I WANT A SWORD THAT LETS ME ATTACK MY TEAMMATES AND IT WINS THE GAME INSTANTLY WHEN YOU GET A CRITICAL HIT WITH IT AND THE SWORD SHOULD LOOK LIKE A GOPHER AND YOU SHOULD GET IT BY EATING A RIDE-ABLE TURTLE!”

Some basic requirements your content must follow:

  • Content must not be lewd (No penile-shaped swords of Rockskin)
  • Content must be reasonable, in the sense that it wouldn’t take more than a few minutes to create and insert into the game
  • Content must draw on assets already in the game (The asset library is quite expansive, though)
  • Content must not infringe on any copyright laws
  • Common sense should be used when designing content

Examples of good pieces of content would be things like:

X1 Anti-Matter Handcannon (Unique ranged weapon, with rare ammo and a chance of insta-kill)

Wop-Pop’s Staff of Self-Transformation (Polymorph Self: Turn into an animal)

Shield of The Last Warrior (Shield that gives you a bonus to the Destiny skill, increasing your chance to survive otherwise fatal attacks)

Below is a picture of the Grimoire stats screen. Observe the attributes on the left side of the screenshot.

Grimoire - Cleve's 7th Level Stats

Attributes include:

Intelligence, Wisdom, Will, Strength, Constitution, Speed, Agility, Fellowship, Devotion, Met (Metabolism?) and Destiny.

Resistances include:

System, Death, Sor, Sonic, Mental, Mesmerize, Illumination, Toxicity, Fire, Cold, Air, Aqua, Earth, Caustic, Galvanization and Paralysis.

Conditions include:

Unc, Sleep, Silence, Fear, Con, Irritation, Ber, Nausea, Bli, Cur, Poisoned, Cha, Diseased, Ins, Petrified and Paralysed.

Some spells include:

Sleep, Fireball, Knock-Knock, Light, Chilling Touch, Polymorph, Touch of Death, Death Wish, Destroying Vortex, Timestop, Rainbow Ray, Identify, Divination, Wizard’s Eye, Locate Item, Water & Firewalking, Teleport, Cosmic Gate, Crushing Hand, Insect Swarm, Poison, Magic Missile, Bless, WitchHex, Refresh, Wither, Featherfall, Cone of Cold, Silence, Bubble of Air Protection, Bubble of Sonic Protection, Magic Mirror, Leaping Sparks, Firestorm, Earthquake, Death Cloud, Deep Freeze, Heal Wounds, Heal Conditions, Flesh to Stone, Stone to Flesh, Spiderscale, Direction, Charm, Dread, Blister, Solar Flare and many more.

Grimoire’s Release to be Delayed

Cleve still trying to get tool-tips running. Expect the super-demo soon to sate your hungers.

 

Neanderthals hard at work here.

Neanderthals hard at work here.

Grimoire Demo: El Grande Edition

This is by far the smoothest version of the demo. Zero crashes on my 64-bit machine or dad’s (Cleve’s) 32-bit machine.

http://www.filedropper.com/grimoiredemov131

Demo contains the Briarpatch Woods, Shrine of the Raptor and Aquavia, the first dungeon in the game.

The amount of content in the demo is only about 0.50% of the actual game’s size.

Grimoire Public Test Demo Avaliable Now

Get it here:

http://www.filedropper.com/grimdemoinstallerv11

Yes, we know its buggy. Find RPG Codex thread below. Lot’s of good support in that thread for getting the demo to run smoother and crash less:

http://www.rpgcodex.net/forums/index.php?threads/grimoire-demo-availabe.75724/page-94

Some people have said it runs better if you launch it as an admin.

 

 

64-Bit Bug Finally Solved!

For those of you who don’t understand what that means, let me explain the problems this (bastard) bug has caused:

1. Interruption of my personal Grimoire beta-test by over a year

2. Countless hours wasted in an attempt to fix said bug (Hours that could have been spent polishing the game)

3.  Single-handedly delaying the release of the Grimoire demo by weeks (Sorry guys… but hey, now that the bug’s fixed, the demo should be right around the corner)

4. General madness in Cleve

Basically, bros… bad bug was squished.

Although the bug has driven to Cleve to rabid insanity, frothing at the mouth and what-not (He’s now kept in the dark, dank dungeon, where he’s fed scraps of raw meat and forced to work on Grimoire all day) Cleve was not the conqueror of the bug. That honor goes to Shams.

Ahem, allow me to change my allegiance.

SHAMS REIGNS SUPREME! ALL HAIL SHAMS!

Grimoire – Demo Pre-Release Teaser

ITZ COMING.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veLbNuKeCwk&feature=em-uploademail

Its even more epic with headphones.

(WARNING: GOLDEN ERA GAMES TAKES NO RESPONSIBILTY FOR THE INJURIES THAT MAY OCCUR WHILE WATCHING THIS VIDEO. MASSIVE INCLINE HAS BEEN KNOWN TO RUPTURE THE EARBALLS OF WEAK-MINDED SPECTATORS. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.)

The Grim Blog – 2012 Mission Report

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 20,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 5 Film Festivals

Click here to see the complete report.

Greatest Thread Of All Time Gets More Great-i-er

RPG Codex’s Legendary “Why did Sir-tech go bankrupt?” thread has reached levels of sheer awesome-ness so high, that it has begun to create a temporal disturbance in Mexico, causing many residents to drop their Tacos and spill their Tequila.

The thread, which delves deep into the reason that the Wizardry developers went bankrupt, mutated into something bizarre and wonderful.

For many years, there has existed an anti-Cleve crowd on the internet. Much of the things he has said have been ignored or rejected, as evidenced in a typical snapshot from Cleve’s day:

“For twenty years the Neanderthal vagrant had wandered the internetz, attempting to tell others of the horrors of the Stones of Arnhem project, but none had listened to his retarded ramblings. Idly shuffling about from forum to forum, tapping plaintively at the glass and trying to tell them in the simplest language of his fantastic ordeal but none had believed.

Cleve : “Pleeze peeple, listen to me. They stripped me of my human dignity … I was forced to crawl through waist deep piles of dildos and ass pounding devices while their teenage blowjob slaves hurled invective at me … then … then I was made to animate pornographic gay imagery for the monsters … it was horrible … why doesn’t anybody believe me? It was horrible, I was permanently traumatized by my experiences, pleeze peeple …”

Forum Regular : “Oh, look, it’s that Neanderthal retard again. Can someone close the blinds? He is ranting again about some insane drivel, I can’t even understand what he is talking about. Don’t get me wrong, I love these Neanderthals, I think everybody should own several. I for one remember fondly the day these people worked as manservants and had the dignity of real jobs. Look at what they have been reduced to today.”

Cleve : “No, wait, you don’t believe me peeplez, it’s all true. Why can’t anybody believe me? Then … then … they forced me to sort pictures of lesbians and gay men into character portraits … I don’t know why peeplez won’t listen …”

Forum Regular : “It is obvious the poor retard’s condition is deteriorating over time. These outlandish tales of his homoerotic Wizardry 8 project and whatnot, it is clearly the product of a disordered mind. Where is security staff?

Cleve : “No, pleeze, I’m serious, this all really happened, I just can’t explain it all right …” (Security guards appear and guide him away from forum window, directing him to shuffle towards nearest special needs bus stop.)”

Sad, sad stuff. Poor Neanderthal.

If you’ve never read the thread, you can find a link to it here. Pages 39-49 cover the most recent occurence, the arrival of proof to most of Cleve’s insane, but apparently true ramblings:

http://www.rpgcodex.net/forums/index.php?threads/why-did-sir-tech-go-bankrupt-ebay-auction-now-live-witness-history.53695/

Be warned, this thread has quite explicit content and should not be seen by those with weak stomachs. It’s amazing and is definitely worth seeing, but view at your own risk.

Fantastic things were meant to happen near the end. Agreed, truth is stranger than fiction.

P.S. Last time I checked the thread, there was no image of the Mythical Penisaur. There was Sphincter-saurus, a multi-dicked lizardine, but Penisaurus has not yet been seen. It’s just as well: that image posted on the internetz might just mark the beginning of the end!

END TRANSMISSION!