Category Archives: Other Crap

The Obsessive Wunderkind

I’ve recently been reading a biography of Wernher von Braun.

Wernher von Braun was a severely autistic German boy, who suffered from extreme mental retardation.

From an early age, he was very fascinated by the fields of existence beyond Earth’s atmosphere, particularly the planetary body known as “Luna”.

When his mother asked him want he wanted to do when he grew up, he said:

“I want to turn the wheel of progress.”, a strange answer from such a young boy.

Wernher went to a boarding school. Wernher was excellent in all subjects except for mathematics, which he was below average at.

Wernher, inspired by the literary works of Hermann Oberth, realized that it was his dream in life to touch the stars. It quickly became an all-consuming obsession.

Wernher realized that to reach the stars, he would have to be very good at mathematics.

He studied the science until he was the greatest student in school at mathematics. Occasionally, he would even fill in as a substitute math teacher. Sometimes, he would demonstrate to the class how the teacher had made an error.

Wernher blasted his way through the education system and soon after became an engineer.

Wernher started to experiment with rocketry as both a hobby and a career. How else would men touch the stars?

He is pictured here, playing with his toy rocket. He clearly has some kind of mental disability.

Wernher began to gain the attention of the German government, which had gained a National Socialist stance.

Wernher and his rocket buddies were building rockets in a place called Peenemunde.

The Germans got in a big war with everybody. Some moustache-faced bastard had started to cause a ruckus. Wernher didn’t care, he just wanted to build rockets.

The moustache-faced bastard used Wernher’s rockets to blow up English chavs. No loss there.

Then the Americans invaded Germany, and they said to Wernher: “We want you to build rockets for us now.”

And Wernher said:

“Okey-dokey”.

He is pictured here, playing with another toy rocket. Note that the rocket’s allegiance has changed.

Wernher and his family re-located to America. Wernher married his attractive first-cousin, Maria.

Now Wernher was building missiles for the yanks. He ended up in a race with the Russians to be the first to space.

Wernher was beaten to space by the Russians. They had launched a satellite into orbit named after the potato.

Wernher was heart-broken. But he didn’t give up!

The race had begun: to be the first to Luna!

Around this time, Wernher was becoming an American celebrity and hero. He wrote articles for magazines, received interviews and even did a show for Disney, all on the topic of space and space-flight.

He was quite popular on all communication forums.

In 1955, Wernher started to make assurances. He assured the American people that he would have his Rocket to the Moon out by 1962.

People began to get really excited. If the rocket came out like Wernher had said, it would be the greatest thing ever.

Then, when it didn’t come out in 1962, Wernher demonstrated to everyone that the rocket was clearly coming out in 1963.

When questioned why the rocket wasn’t out by 1963, Wernher explained that “the bugs” were holding it back from release. “It just needs a bit more polish”, he said. “We need to beta test the rocket more”.

In 1969, Wernher’s Rocket that would take man to the Moon, was finally finished.

AND IT DESTROYED COMMUNISM.

Hrm… what a great life story.

I mean, it’s like, even though the rocket was way overdue… it like, actually changed the course of human history.

Hrm…

 

OH MY GOD!

THE RESEMBLANCE IS UNCANNY!

GRIMOIRE! IT’Z COMING!

 

YOU WILL BELIEVE A GOLDEN BABY CAN FLY!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

P.S. On a totally unrelated note, when you look up “Cleve Blakemore” on Bing images, it comes up with “Fecal Fat” as a related topic.

Grimoire Christmas Carols: Part 3 of 3

Don’t ya just love Christmas? It’s the one time of the year where it’s socially unacceptable for people to be dickwads to each other… makes you wonder why people can’t just behave like that all the time! 

I have a lot of fun writing and maintaining this blog, and although this will be my final post until the New Year, I can assure you that there will be many more years to come of Grim-Blog goodness… even after Grimoire’s been released! I am quite satisfied with the attention Grim-Blog has received, and it can only go up from here.

I’ve noticed that the video games market has been quite shitey lately… I played MW3 at a friend’s house the other day… how this game could hold anyone who has an IQ above ninety’s attention for more than a week is beyond me, but apparently, several million feeble-minded simpletons play this game for hours on end. I actually thoroughly enjoyed Call of Duty 4, but that was a game that had excellent map design, balanced weaponry and required a large degree of skill to be good at. Activision (as well as half the games industry), decided to copy the COD4 MP formula and put in every game they made from then on, as well as water it down for casual gamers.

BORING! REPETITION IS BORING! IT GETS OLD! THERE ARE MONKEYS THAT ARE NOT THIS EASILY AMUSED!!!

I haven’t had a chance to play either of them yet, but SKYRIM and DARK SOULS are definitely on my wish list.

Consistently, the video games industry is rewarded for being lazy. They are rewarded for releasing the same exact games every year, with a new “campaign” that was slapped on in about five minutes after they’d finished the Multi-Player. Take the Assassin’s Creed series… this is a franchise that has hardly changed a bit from the first game… I picked up AC2 from the game’s store, popped it in my console, and the game had lost my interest after an hour. As far as I could tell, the whole game was a “Look awesome while you walk” simulator.

Pretty much every form of entertainment media seems to be degrading. I can’t remember the last time I went to the cinema. Music is more garbage than usual and every time I go to the book store, all I see is a bunch of adventure novels and “accounts” of people who killed so and so and fought in this war and that war.

I remember playing better games on my N64 than the crap we have now. Fancy graphics are usually a way the developers compensate for their game being shite.

Indy games are still of wonderful calibre, but these microscopic diamonds in the rough are greatly outnumbered.

Our only hope is that one game, a game that stands for truth, liberty and justice, a game that stands apart from the mainstream sewage pipe, will rise up and perform the ultimate smack-down on the games industry!

*Cough*Grimoire*Cough*

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

Sincerely,

Cooper Blakemore

Twelve Days of Grimoire

(To the tune of “Twelve Days of Christmas”)

 

In the first day of Grimoire,

Cleve sent to me,

 Some rats that were low in XP.

 

In the second day of Grimoire,

Cleve sent to me,

Two NPCS,

And some rats that were low in XP.

 

In the third day of Grimoire,

Cleve sent to me,

Three Boss encounters,

Two NPCs,

And some rats that were low in XP.

 

In the fourth day of Grimoire,

Cleve sent to me,

Four Troglodytes,

Three Boss encounters,

Two NPCs,

And some rats that were low in XP.

 

In the fifth day of Grimoire,

Cleve sent to me,

Five epic loots,

Four Troglodytes,

Three Boss encounters,

Two NPCs,

And some rats that were low in XP.

 

In the sixth day of Grimoire,

Cleve sent to me,

Six Dwarves a-zerking,

Five epic loots,

Four Troglodytes,

Three Boss encounters,

Two NPCs,

And some rats that were low in XP.

 

In the seventh day of Grimoire,

Cleve sent to me,

Seven Spells a-casted,

Six Dwarves a-zerking,

Five epic loots,

Four Troglodytes,

Three Boss encounters,

Two NPCs,

And some rats that were low in XP.

 

 

In the eighth day of Grimoire,

Cleve sent to me,

Eight Clerics a-turning,

Seven Spells a-casted,

Six Dwarves a-zerking,

Five epic loots,

Four Troglodytes,

Three Boss encounters,

Two NPCs,

And some rats that were low in XP.

  

In the ninth day of Grimoire,

Cleve sent to me,

Nine Quest Tablets,

Eight Clerics a-turning,

Seven Spells a-casted,

Six Dwarves a-zerking,

Five epic loots,

Four Troglodytes,

Three Boss encounters,

Two NPCs,

And some rats that were low in XP.

 

 

In the tenth day of Grimoire,

Cleve sent to me,

Ten Cats a-blinking,

Nine Quest Tablets,

Eight Clerics a-turning,

Seven Spells a-casted,

Six Dwarves a-zerking,

Five epic loots,

Four Troglodytes,

Three Boss encounters,

Two NPCs,

And some rats that were low in XP.

 

 

In the eleventh day of Grimoire,

Cleve sent to me,

Eleven Ranged Rangers,

Ten Cats a-blinking,

Nine Quest Tablets,

Eight Clerics a-turning,

Seven Spells a-casted,

Six Dwarves a-zerking,

Five epic loots,

Four Troglodytes,

Three Boss encounters,

Two NPCs,

And some rats that were low in XP.

  

In the twelfth day of Grimoire,

Cleve sent to me,

Twelve Critical Hits,

Eleven Ranged Rangers,

Ten Cats a-blinking,

Nine Quest Tablets,

Eight Clerics a-turning,

Seven Spells a-casted,

Six Dwarves a-zerking,

Five epic loots,

Four Troglodytes,

Three Boss encounters,

Two NPCs,

And some rats that were low in XP.

Grimoire Christmas Carols: Part 2 of 3

I’m Dreaming of a RPG Glitch-less

(To the tune of “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”)

 

I’m dreaming of a RPG Glitch-less,

Just like the ones I used to play.

Where the monsters pwn you,

And NPCs own you,

When you try to steal their stuff.

 

I’m dreaming of a RPG Glitch-less,

With every Bethesda game I play.

Maybe Grimoire will be finished one day,

And maybe we’ll all shout: Hooray!

 

I’m dreaming of a RPG Glitch-less

With every Bethesda game I play.

Maybe Grimoire will be finished one day,

And maybe we’ll all shout: Hooray!

Grimoire Christmas Carols: Part 1 of 3

I haven’t put anything up in a while, so I slapped together a few parodies. Tune in tomorrow for another one!

 

We Wish You a Thorough Beta

(To the tune of “We wish you a Merry Christmas”)

 

We wish you a thorough beta,

 We wish you a thorough beta,

We wish you a thorough beta and a bug-free Grimoire!

 

“Raise Dead” Scrolls are extremely rare!

Put more in the game, or it’ll be-eeee unfair!

The fireball spell always backfires,

I recommend changing the success modifiers.

 

 We wish you a thorough beta,

 We wish you a thorough beta,

We wish you a thorough beta and a bug-free Grimoire!

 

NPC: Trimestes, is a retard,

The guy’s practically hanging, from his own petard!

The Kraken is spawning all over the place,

 I can’t take two steps, without it in my face!

 

 We wish you a thorough beta,

We wish you a thorough beta,

We wish you a thorough beta and a bug-free Grimoire!